


Phantom Limb

by Wherefore_art_thou_Homeo



Series: Haikyuu Drabble Requests [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: I have achieved what even I thought I never could, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:11:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wherefore_art_thou_Homeo/pseuds/Wherefore_art_thou_Homeo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He buried his hands in the snow. He pressed his forehead to cold stone. He asked it over and over.</p><p>Where are you? Where are you?<br/>Where did you go?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phantom Limb

“I’m here.”

Noya said it so often that it became a mantra. Every game. Every practice. His teammates had to be tired of it by now. It might not even be effective anymore – they might not even hear him, after all the times he’d said it. Background noise. _I’m here, I’m here, I’ve got you._

But he said it anyway. Over and over and over.

Because there was still someone who needed to hear it. Noya could only hope that he, at least, was still listening.

Asahi’s third year, Noya’s second. Asahi’s confidence was shakier than ever before. Noya had probably been too hard on him, that day they’d lost to Datekou. He couldn’t help but feel like he’d helped put him down where he was – so he decided, quite determinedly, that he was going to be the one to raise him back up.

“I’m here.”

He’d throw himself to the floor even when he had no hope of saving the ball. He’d hyperextend his arms and legs, he’d get bruised purple and black all over his body – all to give him one more chance. One more. One more. Just so he wouldn’t have to worry, so he wouldn’t hate himself the way he did.

_I’m right here._

The first leg pain he tried to shake off – Noya noticed it before anybody else. A subtle limp. A small wince when he landed after a jump. A slight tension in his body all the time. The way he took the weight off his right foot when the team lined up.

Noya grabbed him after practice one day, holding him back until everyone else was gone. And he asked him point-blank.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Asahi.”

“ _Nothing._ ”

Just sore. He’d ice it tonight and rest it and it would be fine.

Noya let him go. For all either of them knew, that should have been enough. It should have been as simple as ice and rest. It should have been as simple as overwork, because he was working too hard and it was showing.

He was young and healthy and it should have been fine.

But it wasn’t.

Asahi called Noya, late one winter night, with a tremor in his voice. The second Noya noticed it, he was wide awake and on alert. Asahi was never up this late. He never called – and especially never this close to tears.

“Who do I have to beat up?”

Nobody. There was nobody. Nobody to blame, nothing Noya could do. All the fistfights in the world wouldn’t do a damn thing.

Noya listened in stunned silence as Asahi told him. He listened to the terror and tears in his voice, filled every pause with _I’m here, I’m here, it’s okay, I’m here._

It wasn’t okay. It could never be okay. Not after this.

Noya refused to leave him alone that night. As soon as they hung up, he got on his bike and rode to him as fast as he could.

Asahi opened the door. He held Noya’s gaze for about half a second before his eyes filled with tears and he covered them with his hand.

Noya spent that night in Asahi’s bed, curled up close to him, stroking his hair and listening to his quiet crying. He brushed the tears away and hid a few of his own. He kissed his forehead and said it, over and over and over.

_I’m here._

_I’m always here._

_I’ve got you._

Asahi fell asleep eventually. Noya stayed awake almost all night, holding him, making sure he was really still there. Taking in everything. The warmth and smoothness of his skin. The softness of his hair. The quiet gusts of his breath. The way his eyelashes brushed his cheeks.

To know that underneath all of this – all these things Noya loved – there was something actively working to take it all away…

Noya refused to let it.

\- - -

They didn’t see much of each other that spring. The hospital he had to go to was a long way away. The clinic in Miyagi wasn’t well enough equipped to take care of him.

He was gone from practice. There was a hole in their team. Ryu tried to fill it, but it felt wrong – to him, to Noya, to everyone. Asahi shouldn’t be gone, but they’d replace him.

Noya tried to throw himself into the defense as hard as he had before, but his mind was elsewhere.

A few weeks without him and they received the news they’d been dreading. Ukai gathered them all up before practice one morning and told them to quiet down.

And then he told them.

Asahi wouldn’t be coming back to the team. Not at all. He was sick and he wasn’t coming back.

Noya felt his heart stop. He must have stumbled because Ryu grabbed his arm. He could barely breathe.

Ukai told him they didn’t have to show up to practice that evening if they didn’t want to. Everyone broke apart and he pulled Noya aside.

“Everyone would understand if you don’t want to be here.”

And for once, Noya didn’t.

He left practice in a hurry, not even bothering to change out of his uniform.

He went straight to Asahi’s house, running without stopping. He knocked on the door, out of breath.

Asahi’s mother answered the door. She didn’t seem surprised to see him. She gave him a tired smile.

“He’s upstairs in his room.”

“Thank you.”

Up the stairs. He knocked on the door.

“Asahi. It’s me.”

He didn’t get up to answer the door. He only called out.

“Come in.”

Noya skipped school that day. He didn’t want to leave his side. He didn’t want to be away from him, even for a second.

Asahi told him, in a voice drained by fatigue, that the treatments would take him out of school. He might have to drop out. He might not be able to go back. At all.

They didn’t say much after that. They had no words. Not now. Asahi didn’t cry. He’d worn himself out. Noya held him, kissed him, kept him warm.

It was all he could do.

He spent another night in Asahi’s bed. They both slept, but fitfully. Noya woke up several times to find Asahi pulling him closer, breathing shakily. It made Noya’s chest hurt to listen to the scared little noises he made.

“I’m here. I’m here.”

Asahi wouldn’t let him stay the next day, as much as he wanted to. He said Noya had to go to school, that he couldn’t drop everything because of him. Noya complied reluctantly.

And within a week, Asahi was away again, back in the hospital. For a long time, the only way Noya could talk to him was on the phone. He would be away for weeks at a time, and only come home for a few days at a time. Noya listened to him with closed eyes, trying his best to imagine the shape of his mouth forming each word.

They never talked much about how he was feeling. It scared them both. Asahi always sounded scared – and exhausted – to begin with. As badly as Noya wanted to know if he was okay, he didn’t want to push it.

“I miss you.”

“It’s quiet without you.”

“When you get back for good, I’m going to hug you and I’m never letting go of you.”

Months passed this way. Short conversations thrown into their lives here and there, wherever they would fit, tired and afraid and hasty. Noya would hear a break in his voice sometimes – hastily talked over, hidden, by Asahi – and his chest would ached with how badly he _needed_ to be there to hold him.

Asahi never cried on the phone. But Noya could always tell when he was about to.

He couldn’t stand it. He _needed_ to see him.

Asahi had been gone for two straight months when he just showed up at volleyball practice one day, completely unannounced.

Noya almost burst into tears when he saw him.

Pale and thin. _Wasted._ Standing there in the gym doorway with nearly all his weight on his left foot. His hair was short. His beard was gone. He could almost have been a complete stranger.

Noya dropped the ball he was holding, staggered over to him, and grabbed his hand. He rubbed it between his own. His fingers were freezing.

The rest of the team surrounded them. Noya didn’t hear a word any of them said. Every ounce of his focus was on Asahi, and everything he found was just… _off._

Only later did he ask how he was doing. Only once everyone was gone and they were alone.

The treatment made him feel like shit. Apparently, it was supposed to – it was working. Apparently, he would eventually feel better.

It made his hair fall out. The weird, unnatural locks on his head now were a wig. When Noya found out, he wanted to shave his own head, right then and there. Asahi quickly told him not to.

And then he dropped the even bigger bomb.

“You have to promise not to freak out.”

“That is _not_ reassuring.”

He pulled up the right leg of his sweatpants to reveal a thin metal shaft.

Noya’s heart dropped into his stomach.

“No sympathy-cutting-off-your-leg either, okay, Yuu?”

Noya moved forward and hugged him tight. Asahi hugged him back, and kissed him. For a few moments, they were quiet. Noya closed his eyes. Asahi was shaking.

“I’m gonna be okay.”

“You’d better be.”

\- - -

And after that day he was gone again. He had to drop out of school – there hadn’t been much hope for his return before, but now it was gone. There wasn’t much he could do, what with all the time he spent in the hospital.

Noya called him almost every day. Some days he picked up and they talked for hours. Some days he didn’t pick up. Some days he picked up only to say he wanted to be left alone.

Noya left so many messages. And he said it every time.

“I love you.

“I miss you.

“ _I’m here._ ”

They talked at least once a week, for a while. And then Asahi started to drift.

Days went by. Then weeks. Then a month. And then two. And not a word.

Noya couldn’t do anything but call. So he did. Over and over and over. He called and he worried and he told himself everything was probably okay, everything was probably fine, he was probably just tired and getting a lot of much-needed rest. He tried not to fear the worst. He really tried.

He just about had a heart attack when Asahi finally called back.

He pressed the phone to his ear and closed his eyes while they talked.

They talked for hours. They laughed together for the last time in months. Asahi sounded remarkably normal. Noya pictured his smile, but almost couldn’t see it.

After a while, something changed in Asahi’s voice. Noya couldn’t precisely say what, but something happened – some tone entered or left, and an uneasy feeling started in his chest.

And finally, Asahi let out a long sigh.

“Yuu?”

“Yes?”

“Can I see you?”

“What do you mean? Of course you can.”

Another sigh. Suddenly he sounded exhausted.

“Do you remember that hill we found that one time? Where we watched the sunset?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Can we go there again soon?”

“Yeah, of course… Asahi, is something wrong?”

A pause. Too long.

“Yeah! Everything’s okay. I just… I know everything’s been really crazy lately and I feel bad about leaving you in the dark like that. I want to see you. I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

“I’m… Actually home already. Would you be free to meet up tomorrow?”

Noya blinked.

“Y-yeah. Of course.”

Something was wrong. _Something was wrong._ Noya could hear it in every breath, in every too-long silence from Asahi’s end of the line.

He didn’t ask. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to know the answer.

Asahi broke the silence. His voice was a little too bright again.

“Okay! I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Yeah.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Noya hung up last. He dropped his phone on his bed and covered his face with his hand.

Tears pricked his eyes.

\- - -

Noya arrived at Asahi’s house early the next evening. He knocked and stood back to wait.

Almost a full minute passed before Asahi answered the door.

Two months had taken their toll. Asahi, pale before, looked almost _gray_ now. His eyes were sunken and dull. He smiled but it wasn’t _his_ smile – it was a painful, forced imitation, attempting to make Noya feel better but instead making his heart sink.

But Noya played the game right back to him. He smiled too, and pulled him down for a kiss. He noticed the tremors in Asahi’s body – still stronger than they had been last time – but he said nothing about them. He held on, he lingered, he closed his eyes for a moment and then pulled away slowly.

Asahi’s hands were ice. They shook as they brushed past Noya’s neck. Noya pretended not to notice.

“So, shall we?”

“We shall.”

Noya held his hand the whole way to the hill. He pretended not to hear the roughness in Asahi’s breathing. He pretended not to notice how much of his weight he was supporting. When they stopped at the top and sat down side by side, he ignored how badly his was shivering.

Asahi pulled him close to his side. Noya sat up on his knees and kissed his jaw. They were warm. Close together and warm.

And Noya could pretend everything was as it should be.

Asahi stroked his hair. Noya rubbed his knuckles with his thumb. The sun started to set and they watched it go in silence. Noya looked up at him and watched his eyes. The light made them glow, warm and deep.

His expression was blank.

Noya’s heart was racing.

He squeezed his hand.

“Asahi.”

A blink that brought him back from a million miles away. A quick smile.

Noya couldn’t breathe.

“Thanks for coming with me here.”

“Yeah.”

“I really wanted to see the sunset from here again.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Noya settled back down and rested against him. A few minutes of quiet warmth, and Asahi squeezed his hand back.

“Yuu?”

“Yeah?”

“You know I love you, right?”

Noya shot a look up at him. Asahi met his eyes for only a split second, and then looked back to their clasped hands.

“I just haven’t said it. You know. In person. In two months.”

Noya kept staring. He blinked fast. His throat was tight. He could barely get the words out.

“Asahi.”

“Yeah?”

He didn’t want to ask. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to be right. He didn’t want to say those awful words.

“You’re getting worse. Aren’t you.”

Asahi closed his eyes. He covered them with his hand. He breathed for a moment. He took the hand away and looked out at the sunset again.

There were tears in his eyes.

“I am.”

“You’re not getting better.”

A deep sigh. Asahi turned to him and took his hands. He looked him in the eye and his face was set. The tears were there, but he wasn’t afraid.

But god, _god,_ Noya was.

“It’s not responding to treatment anymore, Yuu.

“They don’t think… that there’s anything else they can do.

“Yuu… I’m…”

Noya leaned into him. He was dizzy. He couldn’t breathe. He clung to Asahi’s sides, no longer fighting his tears.

It was early yet. They were young – too young to think about something so far ahead. But Noya had thought about a life spent with Asahi. He had thought about years and years and growing old. He’d known it was crazy but he’d kept a small, youthful hope of forever.

But they couldn’t, they couldn’t, because now Asahi’s life was measured in weeks.

\- - -

Noya never saw him cry. As often as he saw him in the following weeks – as often as he cried himself – Asahi never broke down. Noya didn’t know how he did it. Wasn’t it terrifying? Wasn’t he scared? Didn’t he feel hopeless? Didn’t he want to scream, as badly as Noya did, that none of this was fair – that Asahi, of all people, should be able to live the fullest life possible?

But Asahi didn’t talk about that. Not to Noya. He seemed to be trying to act as normal as possible.

He was strong. Noya had always known that. He hadn’t ever seen just how strong he could be until now, in his final stand.

Just thinking about it made Noya feel cold.

Close to every night, Noya stayed with him. Anywhere else felt wrong. Anywhere else and he didn’t know what to do.

It hurt, watching him go. In bits and pieces, he faded further. Every time Noya saw him, there seemed to be less of him left.

Eventually, he couldn’t leave the house. Then he could barely make it across the room to answer the door. Then he couldn’t get off the couch.

Noya spent hours at his side, often staying until Asahi gently told him he should go home to rest. Noya would leave but he was never sure if he slept or not. He would return to Asahi’s living room first thing in the morning, exhausted and spacey.

And they’d hold each other for a few more hours. And Noya would pretend he wasn’t counting how many they had left. There weren’t enough. There could never be enough.

Towards the end, he couldn’t even eat. Just looking at him made Noya want to cry.

It wasn’t something that took a few days. It wasn’t sudden. It was a slow, slow slide towards an inevitable end.

And somehow there was nothing that could be done. Asahi was right there, still trying – but no amount of willpower could make this stop.

The doctors had given up. But somehow Asahi sometimes managed to smile.

“Please don’t cry.

“I’m really not scared.

“I was. I really was. It would be hard not to be.

“But… Yuu…

“I’ve… accepted it.

“There’s no use being scared. It won’t… stop anything.

“You’re the one who showed me how to be strong. You gave me so much, Yuu.

“Thank you.

“For everything.

“I’m honestly more afraid for you. And for… for my mom.

“Because it’s… over for me. After it happens, I… won’t be able to worry anymore.

“But you…

“…You have to keep going.

“This isn’t it for you.

“I’m… I’m really sorry. I’m sorry for doing this to you.”

The shadows under his eyes were deeper than ever. He looked so _tired_.

Noya wanted to cry but couldn’t.

He kissed Asahi’s forehead. He stayed there for a while. He spoke to him with a waver in his voice.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.

“Don’t worry about me.

“I’ll be fine.”

Asahi sighed. A shaking, wasting hand brushed Noya’s cheek. It was cold. Noya grabbed it and pressed it close. He kissed Asahi’s palm. He’d said it a thousand times in the last few weeks. But he said it again.

“I love you.”

Asahi pulled him down to kiss his cheek.

“I love you too.”

It was late. Asahi’s mother came in, tears in her eyes. Noya stood up from where he knelt on the floor, feeling not really there, not really anywhere.

Asahi gave him one more smile. And he said one more thing.

“Hey… I’m with you, okay?

“Always.”

\- - -

_Where are you?_

He wasn’t at school. He wasn’t in the halls between class breaks, walking a few feet ahead of him until he ran to catch up with him. He wasn’t in the club room, getting changed for practice.

_Where are you?_

He wasn’t on the court. He wasn’t standing in the front row, he wasn’t leaping into the air to spike the ball on the other side of the net, he wasn’t crying out in exhilaration after scoring a point, he wasn’t at Noya’s side as they jogged during warmup.

_Where are you?_

He wasn’t in Noya’s bed and Noya wasn’t in his. He wasn’t laughing at Noya’s stupid jokes. He wasn’t holding him close and kissing his cheek and playing with his hair.

_If you’re here, if you’re always here, where are you?_

Noya had gone to the funeral. The whole team had. They’d all cried. Noya had not. Ryu had stood beside him, with an arm around his shoulders, shaking with tears for his teammate, and Noya wasn’t able to cry at all.

All he could feel was the big empty places where Asahi was not.

Far from pain – the pain Noya knew he should be feeling – he felt hardly anything at all.

He visited the grave on Asahi’s birthday. It was snowing and Noya stayed for hours.

Asahi had loved the snow.

And here Noya sat, at his grave, and still he wasn’t there.

He buried his hands in the snow. He pressed his forehead to cold stone. He asked it over and over.

_Where are you? Where are you?_

_Where did you go?_

It got dark. Noya couldn’t feel his legs up to the knee, his arms up to the elbow. He stopped shivering.

He had to have been there for hours when Ryu found him.

Ryu pulled him to his feet, demanding answers he could not give. He brushed the settling snow off Noya’s shoulders and hurried him out of the cemetery.

Ryu’s house was warm. Burning-hot cool water thawed Noya’s fingers. A blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Someone brought him a hot drink but he was still too cold to drink it.

Ryu sat beside him, wrapped an arm around him, kept him warm.

“You’re still with me, right?”

Noya held the scalding mug in his hands. He stared into it blankly. He couldn’t say a word.

“Drink that, okay? You’ll feel better.”

His hands started to shake. He lifted the mug to his lips and blew on it.

The heat was almost too much. He felt it burning his chest as it passed by.

Ryu squeezed him.

“There you go.

“There you go, buddy. Hang in there.

“I’m right here.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Noya’s throat closed up.

His eyes stung.

He set the mug down on the coffee table. He almost dropped it. He hid his face in his hands.

“Noya?”

He was shaking. Ryu held him tighter and said something to him but he couldn’t understand.

_Asahi._

_Asahi._

_If you’re with me, where are you?_

_Where are you?_

Noya’s face crumpled.

Ryu pulled him close and hugged him even tighter, trying in vain to calm him.

Noya’s hands gripped handfuls of Ryu’s shirt as he clung to warmth for dear life, pressing his face into his best friend’s chest, breathing like he’d been drowning.

And finally, finally, he was crying.

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by spaceboiiii.tumblr.com
> 
> Consider reblogging on Tumblr if you enjoyed - http://i-homeostasis.tumblr.com/post/145193308304/you-said-i-had-to-atone-for-the-angst-id-put-into
> 
> more requests to come. Requests closed as of today (5.30.16) but should reopen in a few months. Check i-homeostasis.tumblr.com/requests for if they are currently open.


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